"Bring me that Horizon"

On the first day of spring in burlington it snowed.
Seemed appropriate
being this far from you on your birthday
and the way getting lost in the snow
brings me back to you.

Happy 20th, love.
It's been a long, long time.

1.YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & favorite car)
Shane Echo

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
Vanilla Double-Trouble

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
sweb

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Blue wolf

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
that's not going anywhere. I have a substandard middle name. humph.

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)
websa

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, first tool that comes to mind, put “The” at the beginning)
The red vice

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
don't know them. how weird is that?

9. STRIPPER NAME : (favorite candy, the name of your favorite perfume/cologne)
uhm. got no favorite smells in that dept. sorry I'm boring.

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names )
Francis Barondes.
hehehe. yeah.

Jose, you're not helping. Perhaps you have no family, nothing to be thankful for. Or maybe you're really just an incredibly twisted human being (already confirmed by your choice of careers) who enjoys grading exams. More than eating lots of turkey. or fish cooked in acid. Whatever. Just because you enjoyed grading it, doesn't mean I enjoy *seeing* it.
Next time, wait until vacation is OVER before emailing us our exam grades.
Freakin' over-achiever. I didn't need the company of that spacemonkey today.
I kinda hate you right now. Okay, I've kinda never really liked you. I mean, the rant at the beginning of class about the uselessness of our $180 textbook was cute, and almost endearing, and the 'my name is one syllable shorter than Schwarzenegger's', so we should be able to handle it was mildly amusing (really, Madalengoitia isn't that hard. You're not that special. Try Barondes.).
Cute, really. devoting your love and attention and free time to us lowly biochem students over thanksgiving break. The sentiment is tirelessly giving.
And I guess it's the thought that counts.
But given the average on that exam, would it have killed you to have taken a step back and *THOUGHT* before emailing us?

All the cures you could have tasted
the very few that last
lying spine on white you wasted
you sublimate too fast

If tense were ever indication
of someone I could find
spilling cells for vindication
and bleaching my eyes blind

looking here through empty air
is simply spending time
and now to find you, paddle there
through rivers acid lime

caldera lakes, mountain's hight,
following your signs
blind to sight but not at night,
cross a desert's flowing lines

horizons open I can see
you're standing on dry land
walk down the beach the boat and me
are waiting on the sand

________________________________
Really not sure how I feel about this one. I don't ever rhyme, and I'm not sure I like the effect, but it's what came out. hah. gotta live with it then, huh?

Apogee

These schematics are purely rhetorical.
words don't mean as much when you look at the sky
and see the milkyway tracing past Cassiopeia, clouds wrestling Ursa major
I'm scanning the starscape every night now, waiting for three telltale stars
As though the sight of a hunter pacing my field of vision might grant clarity
Artemis or Orion?
and then the sun, as if apollo could chase it all away,
burn off the questions like early morning fog,
as if the moon didn't rise in mockery of midnight half the time
suspended in pale daylight
sunrise doesn't shed light on grey areas, sometimes there's a moon at high noon
Sometimes Polaris can't point you in the right direction
then again, maybe going in circles isn't a symptom of being lost.
maybe it's just mirroring the rotation of the sky through the seasons.
What's this obsession with straight lines from point A to point B anyway?
Everything else in the universe works in arcs and cycles.
So. The orbit on this question.
where's perigee? Do I ever get any closer, and when I do,
will I just spin away again?

It's really hard to drive back to this and get down to work under pretense- which I'm assuming for the sake of argument? is pretense- and not feel like I'm sliding my hand up a shark's side in the wrong direction.
The thing is, I'm either getting stupid or gutsy, having odd discussions with friends. who are scientists. and trained to observe. and *not* dense. right. So I can think of at least one person who might not be shocked out of the water right now. I'm digging. the question is, am I digging a hole, or am I digging my way out?

This weekend was amazing.
There was this time riding, cantering blind. As in, close your eyes, and go. And what you learn is that your brain knows exactly how to hold your body. your position corrects itself, and motion flows, there's no degree of analysis, you simply know on a level deeper than conscious thought. It's momentarily terrifying because you can feel the wind, and the speed, you touch the edge of no control, and then suddenly there's nothing scary, just the peace of easy balance.
That's what I learned this weekend. That if you can get yourself to close your eyes, you discover you don't always need them, that they can be a hindrance. If you stop looking, sometimes you realize you don't need to find anything in the first place. Sometimes it's been there all along, you've just been too damn distracted by the outside world to see the one on the inside.

Right. someone remind me next time I can't see myself that my eyes are a stumbling block, and if I can darken the outside world, my gray scale pops out into relief. a little. briefly. enough to make me feel like someday I'll get a handle on all this.

and I think there needs to be a glass class in the relatively near future. because that would just be fitting. and just imagine the birthday presents. ;P

The sleeping thing shouldn't be a challenge. I'm exhausted.
the problem is, I get into bed and can't stop thinking about all the things that I'm not doing. I need to be in a lab, working. and memorizing amino acids. and researching. and writing the intro to my semester-long paper. and and and...
and what sucks is that this started when I dropped Prokaryotic, which I knew I shouldn't have done, and I let my adviser tell me to... after arguing with her about it for a week. and then I got to a day where I didn't care, so I just dropped it. and now I'm feeling half-assed and like I've got too much time and not enough push and there's no scramble and I'm going nuts. my drive is going to drive me right off a cliff. Brenda may understand schedules really well, and she had a really good point, that my schedule was way too heavy, particularly with the topamax side effects, and especially if my migraines get worse as soon as I switch drugs, but I really should have just listened to myself... that was idiotic, and I've done this before and decided not ever to do it again (though usually with regards to my mother... and I think that particular resolution I have kept) but *ughhhhhhhh* I just want that class back. I knew it was keeping me sane, I don't know why I let her convince me it was going to be the thing that made me miserable. guh. figures I'd knock off the one thing holding it together. it's nice to be done when I walk out of cloning lab at 5, don't get me wrong, I don't necessarily want to go to another class right after. But I really really need to go to that class. I really really need to have not dropped that class.
uhhh that was dumb. why do I listen to people who are smarter and more grown up and don't know me better than I know myself?
So yeah. That's why I'm awake right now and not sleeping. Not because I'm being useful. Because I can't stand being useless, and I've exhausted all the useful. and I'm going insane. and I need to run, and running's adding up to running away because there's not enough challenge here, there's no more impossible.

shoving wide awake panic
as far back in my throat as I could
sitting on the floor
feeling cold sweat icing my skin,
my insides hot with fevered revulsion
dividing the number of steps to the bathroom door
by the sick feeling in my stomach
adding up the symptoms,
sitting all night with unreasoning fear, refusal,
trying to argue my brain back to some state of coherence
hoping to come up with a diagnosis, coming up with disgust
surfacing in the same world circling back to the same spot
insanity or something I couldn't remember, and no way to get up and walk past the brain-block

walking warm with you in the sun
you asked, told me,
and while the topic made me want to run
shuddering out of my own skin,
I almost stopped and told you what you'd done
I almost kept talking
almost stopped and watched you, watched me in a mirror
walked instead as you handed me sanity without knowing it.
___________________________________

I had no idea there would be a name
I really didn't know what it was called
that there was a web of connectivity
its funny, the things that can be adding up
the tower that can build itself behind your back
while you wonder at the shape of each stone individually, never putting them together
turn around
transform
your thought process
diagnosis? no, not answers either, but a reply, something I can hold out into the ether
I'm not insane. At least, I may be insane, but I'm not the only one. this isn't simple drama, or a desperate fear of the unknown. This doesn't need to be discounted. This is relevant, this is real.


If this were life and death, I might be choosing death over discomfort. because it's more than discomfort, and suddenly I've realized I know someone else who gets that, gets that I'm not crazy, this isn't dysfunction this is something else. And it sucks. and that's okay.

One of these days I'll tell you about the little things you say that make my brain stop dead and stare at you when you make me realize I'm not a crazy freak all alone in the world. Thank you for these pieces of peace.

Anyone in the valley this weekend with some spare time on their hands?
There are a few things I'm dropping by to take care of, and the three day weekend thing is just kinda convenient, so I'm appearing tonight and disappearing monday afternoon.
call/email/whatever. I'll be around.
____________________________________
List.
plans strategy and war gaming is a mentality, pull on your blinders and start pushing back.
rocks palm. peri. around and around, in and out. breath and blood. That's all it ever is.
trees "welcome to the fallout/welcome to resistance/the tension is here/the tension is here/between who you are and who you could be/between how it is and how it should be/I dare you to move/I dare you to move/I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor/I dare you to move."
sand "flip the fucking table over"
rope twist, tie, dip. imagine. holy shit. I just realized what's missing.
My brain just got screwed behind my back. Now we've really got a problem.
dead silence. that's what's wrong.
wanna get it?
cut out your eyes and try to care about monet, photography, baseball, your favorite book, sunrise. cut out your tongue and make yourself crave a milkshake. remove your ears and tell me you've still got a passion for music, that you want to hang off every word you hear.
My world just got turned off.

Somehow doesn't manage the same ring as 'on top of old smokey'.
Caro and Erin and I hiked it today, which was fun, if rather damp, the top third was completely obscured by clouds. and I am ALL quads. we had a thoroughly good time. It was excellent.
I'm in no shape to start school tomorrow. mentally. I need a vacation from my summer vacation, and then something completely unrelated to school. But that's not how it's gonna go. So I'll be in class tomorrow. and hopefully the day after.
I've got a problem (first step)
The logic cage I'm using isn't all that strong.
it's flimsy steel, not the silken flexibility of spider web.
the constraints are holding, but they're supported by distractions that have to be close at hand, and if the distractions aren't magnetic enough to hold my attention...
Add to the mix: every time I go to cloning and do a plasmid transformation I'm creating a transgenic bacterium. (words are bridges) let your mind wander and see where mine goes.
It doesn't take it long to fly right out of lab.
and jeeeze, using logic to reign this in? what am I, in high school? how many ways can you spell dumb, and striving for disaster? okay, so waaaay overly dramatic. there will be no disaster. but it sounded cool. gah.
And will somebody please tell me why there are no queer kids in science??? I love my friends, they're awesome, but how come the people who get micro and med and cloning and disease and how cool cave micro, is becoming can't also get questioning gender? How come the people who read Cell Magazine don't also read Kate Bornstein?
I feel like I'm trying to be in too many worlds here, and the ground is all slippery. And just once, I'd like not to be the kid in the grey area. Or at least, I'd like the grey area to be expected... or not the thing that blindsides people. whatever. I'm going to get sunggly with my biochem textbook. screw the rest of the world. amino acids don't care.

okay, I'm leaving now because I've got vertigo and I think I'm falling into the computer screen. which I know I'm not but my inner ear needs some convincing. this is irritating.
and crap. I have a Problem. I mean, it's a really really wonderful Problem. *grins*

1:35am- It's only starting to cave in after staring at my screen willing myself to write and coming up with nothing.
9am- the way the air catches in my throat, the way I'm seeing in a dream and the next moment my eyes are wide open in my room, the way my feet hit the floor, the way my shoulders move differently then they did a few weeks ago.
It's in the way I'm sleeping. Heavy, but without depth.
It's like I don't get cold anymore, like I don't get hot, except in little prickling moments like when my jeans brush the nerve in my hip I walked into a doorway a few days ago and my thigh feels like it's white-hot.
I don't know what this is. the result of finally being done with classes, and what happens when you actually stop for a minute to breathe maybe. or that I've had migraines almost everyday for a week now, which is tiring in its own right, though they're not nearly as bad as any of the migraines I usually get, it's just that it's constant, like the topomax has taken the 2-3 a week and spread them out over every day.
I feel a little zombified.

Left Beck's place this morning at 4:30 to get to class at 8. (class was useless, I don't know why I went) so I'm kinda not really awake... But I've decided over the course of the weekend that New Jersey (at least where Beck lives) doesn't smell significantly different than anywhere else, and while it's rather densely populated, it's not unpleasant, or "the armpit of the universe". There's even a single small, perhaps artificial park that contains ALL of the wildlife that should normally inhabit a much larger area (birds, inclusive of vicious geese, fish, water snakes, small children with mothers who are deathly afraid of the water snakes, turtles, "swamp", mountain bikers making the most of the "swamp" and being politically, and least linguistically speaking, stuck in the mud, deer, baby deer... ice cream trucks...) keep in mind that this is a fairly small park. It's really kind of comical. Quaint, if you will.
The cars, though multitudinous, were painfully devoid of political bumper stickers, so... yeah. I dunno. I can tell you that I was unreasonably thrilled to see an HRC sticker, and hear the name "Michael Moore" walking down the street in town.
I've arrived at the conclusion that I enjoy driving a stick-shift (FINALLY. it only took all summer) I guess two and a half hours of sitting in stop and go traffic surrounded by New York license plates somewhere along 95 south is enough to make anything enjoyable. I was so bored I almost opened my window and yelled "Yankees SUCK!" at the top of my lungs, just to see what would happen. But I didn't. Mostly because I don't actually know anything about baseball, nor do I care. That and New Yorkers scare me a little. Just where it concerns driving and the yankees. So I twiddled my masshole thumbs in quiet boredom.
Weekends should be longer than two days. even when they're accidentally extended by a (half?) night due to strange migraine stuff. I mean, really. Today didn't need to be monday did it? regardless. Next time, I leave earlier so that the 2.5 hours of traffic either doesn't require me to be driving when I'd rather be eating dinner (or whatever meal that was supposed to be), or I miss the traffic entirely. either way.
But yeah. Good weekend. Way good weekend. New Jersey's not so bad (it needs to downplay it's poisonous vines though, in a big way), and the company was most excellent.

okay, so a really long while.
I'm in MA, at my mother's house (ugh) taking physics, which is occupying an obscene portion of my life. And I'm realizing the degree to which algebra is harmful in close proximity to my brain. It's a big problem, in that I have no choice but to get through this class now, since my options are that or take it next year, both semesters on overload while trying to get through biochem among other things. Or stay an extra year. Which WILL NOT be happening. So I will get through it. I have to, there is simply no option.
Three years into a four year program is a really really bad time to come to the realization that you might not be able to handle it. Therefore, I refuse to acknowledge that piece of information, I will continue to throw my brain at the algebra wall.
right. 'cause that's faaaascinating. The upside is that I'm running again, which is excellent (the only thing holding me together...well, almost anyway) and the sun's out. summer's here, which means ice cream. and for all intents and purposes I have my own car for the summer. My aunt's standard (yes, I'm driving a stick. be afraid, be very very afraid) it's a brat, but we get along for the most part and it gets me around, so ya know.
Anyway, that's really it. physics sucks, I run, I drive. sometimes I sleep, though not as often as I probably should. Oh, and I job search. unsuccessfully.
aaaand that's my summer... in a nutshell...

So I'm not really sure how I got to be 20.
I still remember the trances and voices of 13, 16's not so far gone, I remember chasing chasing chasing. down streets, up rivers, through marshes and skyscapes. Then 17 and the big escape to the bigger cage, the pain of loss that scoops out your insides like a dugout canoe and sets you floating in shockwaves. 18 meaning so much it still seems bigger than 20, though I never did anything with it. 19 and finding something I'd been looking for, giving something up in return.
20, and I'm what I looked up at from blonde hair and demon glares, not knowing I could never have always ever again. Summers got shorter, their dangers got bigger and the knives followed suit.
20 will be good. I'm going to figure out who I looked up at and wanted to be. Then I will shape my reality, because how better to live than with the reckless abandon of a kid coated in mud splashed in sea water, holding dreams in the plam of her hand, and staring them in the face, and releasing them into the world, salamanders, moths, and frogs into the world.
Hunting dreams. Chasing again.
There will be a few things this summer. Really, there will be more than a few, but here are some musts:
music
ocean
running
rediscovery, reinvention, revisiting
being me. Not someone my environment invented.
Coyotes, Writing you a letter like I used to, because You are as much a part of who I have become as anything else on this list, and I can't lose you to distance.

Sarah thinks y'all should know she's going to fail and orgo exam tomorrow evening. Whatever. She's rocking out to the same two Pink songs over and over again. Chem can wait, I've got my whole life to be beaten to a miserable pulp by a bunch of hydrogens doing the proton shuffle. Yes, the proton shuffle. it exists. and it's NOT a bad dance from the 80's. Though maybe it should be...
But it's over. Chem and I resolved our little battle a while ago. I've washed my hands of that. On to bigger and better angst. It never ends, does it? Just as I start to grab some focus you gotta hocus-pocus it to spectral myst. And I can't hold onto a ghost. Damn you. For making me try.
You know, some people do get immortalized. Somethings do get set in stone. Your name for one. Write it on the earth's skin, but god forbid I ink my own.
Okay, so this got random and tangential. I'm trying to avoid studying since it's not going to do any good, but I'm so totally hopped up on waaaaay too much caffeine to go to sleep. *ugh*
At least I get back on the ice tomorrow morning. That'll shut my brain down for about an hour. thank gods for small favors.
Oh my god. The brain. Turn. It. OFF. NOW. Before someone gets hurt.
*arrggghhhh-gurgle* brain hemmorhage. I swear. it's getting all gelatinous and sloppy.

It comes down to finding new addictions. got two, they've both got edges, they both require cold. Me and winter have struck a truce.
Went snowboarding yesterday, yes, snowboarding, notably NOT falling down the mountain with a board strapped to my feet. Snow Boarding. get that down. Me. flying down a mountain, and coming off only moderately bruised. Not that there weren't some fantastic wipe-outs... there were many. But I can get down that mountain without falling if I choose to.
Margaret and I decided we were more than somewhat addicted, and started plotting our next trip... It's that look, you know, in the eyes, the challenge, the devilish, mischievous answer, the wind picking up competition, running with it, pushing the edges until you're just a little too far past, saving it and coming back.
The faster you go the further you can lean, the cleaner the edge, carving the curves. then there's powder. just floating, weightless, edgeless, a dangerous peace.
oh wonders. So the board that's too big and too aggressive is now my new best friend. haha. Told You. now I've got something to work for. a couple of somethings to work for, and people to compete with. It's good to be back in the game.
*grins*

There's a certain feeling I never realized I was missing.
that no-resistance glide
sliver sharp slice
the twist, the switch
inside to outside
criss-cross casting the circle in glaze
the subtle allegory of one edge to another
the call and response of a shift.
It's so easy to move it seems impossible to fall
start the jump and it carries you,
make sure you keep using the blade
the minute it uses you,
the minute you move your focus from flight
the sharp catch, splintering ice,
the air chill around your hands, letting you go
and the landing cold hard and tangled,
blades glinting wickedly malicious and teasing under your ankles.
Dare you to jump again...

right, so. I'm back in VT. trying to convince myself that I am indeed ready to do this all again, and having fairly minimal success. Not particularly encouraging. But, it's okay. I've still got a week to change my mind and hop on a bus going somewhere away from the big gooey organic chemistry monster. Really I should check my grades and make sure that I survived the last encounter and am going to be allowed to place myself in a position to be attacked by it again.
Honestly I'm tired of hearing myself complain about it. seriously. it needs to stop.
On the bright side, I learned how to snowboard... well... I learned the theory of how to snowboard, while coming to grips with that fanciful force called gravity. Thankfully, my ass is no longer bruised, and if it would ever stop being spring and give us some damned snow, I'd go do it again. Global warming is ruining a wonderful potential hobby. *humph*
meh. home was alright, saw the cousins (one of whom is going to Cairo, how dare she, the other is ridiculously tan and reminding me of summer.)
And kristi left some canned air on the table and I'm trying REALLY hard to be good and not waste it all holding off brutal attacks from approaching scraps of paper. So far I haven't been entirely successful, but I've claimed a large piece of table for myself, and intend to hold my ground until she gets home.
Obviously, there's nothing all that interesting going on in my life right now. damn. Must cause some trouble. suggestions?

Finals are out to eat my soul.
I had calc on friday (at least one is out of the way) I've got genetics tuesday afternoon, orgo thursday morning, and micro friday morning.
IF I survive, I will require a great deal of alcohol friday night to forget it all. mmm. rockclimbing, alcohol, and Bach. Very interesting combination we've got planned there. *oy*
someone remind me next life that I should major in interpretive dance... or underwater basket-weaving. I mean, really. I'm already drowning. might as well get something in return for my misery.
anyway, all the snow is melting. sad. it finally started feeling like winter and all of a sudden it's sunny and 40 degrees up here. I think our handbasket is heating up.
okay. I will go study more genetics. and then I will study orgo like nobody's business. yick. oh well. sigh. I know, I know, I brought this on myself. it just better turn out to be worth it.

right, so that was actually kind of a fun quizzicle thingy. go forth and be... naughty?

-don't listen to nields
-ignore stomach when it whines, eat frosting instead
-go running sleevless in shorts, walk to class wearing a winter jacket
-LIVE in the med library
-when not in class, be hermione
-practice orgo. when that gets old, make micro flashcards, when there's no more micro to make flashcards of, learn genetics and realize compulsive gambling sucks, throw away the dice and don't have kids. Afterwards, make motor memory absorb calculus. When all else fails, practice for the MCAT.
-contemplate self declared mountain day with margaret. after all, the university of green mountains should have a mountain day if anybody should.
-when it becomes apparent that there is no time for the wonderful self-appointed mountain day, thanks to exams, start contemplating bridges instead.
-angst at a certain scottsman, who would be so kind as to bring orgo exams to our newly disembowled-selves in the ICU, clean room, BL4 unit. there is no stopping sandy the scottsman... aka. sandy the orgo fairy.
-plot for the entire week kof vacation that is thanksgiving
-when there is no more energy for plotting, simply gaze with longing urgency at the calendar.
-go to bed the moment before your eyes close, so as to miximize the waking hour workweek.
-don't dream
-realize that there is no time for frivolous thoughts of writing, magick, T, or harry potter; the world will be infected by antibiotic resistant microbes if someone doesn't do something RIGHT NOW. Thus, pass the micro exam on wednesday. and the lab practical next thursday. and successfully identify the major unknown. And don't fail anything else while you're at it, because somehow there's still space for drafty november to sneak it's cold fingers through the cracks.

1. Have you ever licked the back of a CD to try to get it to work?
no. is that supposed to work?

2. Have you ever puked at a bar or club?
no

3. What's the largest age difference between yourself and someone you have dated?
five years...

4. Have you ever dated someone you met online?
no

5. Have you ever smoked pot at a concert?
nope

6. Have you ever dated/fooled around with a coworker?
no

7. If so, how did that turn out?
n/a

8. Ever been involved in a hit & run?
no

9. Were you popular in high school?
high school? popular? popular mattered less in highschool, most people found social circles they were comfortable in. sure, there were 'popular' people I guess... I can't name any of them anymore. besides. I left a year early.

10. Have you ever been on a blind date?
nope. don't like being blind. or surprises.

11. Are looks important?
If I thought they were, I wouldn't let kristi cut my hair. I look rather like an uneven porcupine.


12. Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more??
yup.

13. By what age would you like to be married?
marriage. bah. Even if I were convinced it sounded like a good idea, I don't want to be tied to MA for the rest of my merrily-married life, and there are bigger fish to fry in the scheme of politics right now. so marriage? no, I'm worried about survivng the next decade or so.

14. Does the number of people a person's slept with affect your view of them?
As stated by erin, motivation means alot. but then, who expects to hear a running tally from someone they don't already know well enough to have formed an opinion of them?
wow that made no sense....

15. Have you ever sacrificed yourself so your friend can get in good with a person of the opposite/same sex?
huh? so lost on what they mean there....

16. Have you ever drank milk that was past the expiration date?
I dunno, I don't lok at the expiration date unless it smells/tastes sour. I have shaken it though. and made it explode.

17. Have you ever made a mistake?
Anyone who says no to this is a big fat liar (nice, erin)

18. Are you a good tipper?
yay for math. yes.

19. What's the most you have spent for a haircut?
see above. kristi needs to practice more before she can start charging.

20. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher?
Not really.

21. Do you know all the words to the first verse of Ice ice Baby?
I don't think so, but wait lemme guess. that is the first verse?

22. Have you ever had crispy bangs?
had what?

23. Have you ever singed off your eyelashes?
eyebrows. damn menorah. being raised jewish is hazardous.

24. What was the worst hairstyle of the 80's?
mullet was pretty bad.

25. Have you ever peed in public?
while camping...

27. Would you tell your parents if you're gay?
yeah, I think they've figured it out by now.

28. Do you walk around the house naked?
it's a little cold for that here, but sometimes in NC.

29. How many drinks does it take to get you drunk?
depends on the drink and how much I've eaten that day. and how much jenga I'm playing... badly.

30. What do you do as soon as you walk in the house?
put down my bag, make some tea/hot chocolate, do work, panic about the work I'm not doing.

31. Do you like horror or comedy?
horror. I don't usually find your typical comedy funny, unfortunately.

32.Where do you want to live when you are old?
erin, I wanna be the other aunt! can we live together in a big old house with all those cats, and meddle in people's love lives???

33. Who is the friend you can count on most?
erin, beck never to call, allie to tell me when I'm being silly.

35. Favorite drinking game?
hahaha. every time will turner/harry potter does something stupid. actually, I rather enjoy jenga. when played with a med student and an engineer, so it's totally unfair.

36. What did you dream last night?
it was weird, a combination of firefly (there were spaceships) Grey's anatomy (Izzy got killed and chopped up by some guy), the ME from CSI, who told us they found her body, and olivia benson with whom we 'aprehended' the bad guy...it was altogether highly disturbing, particularly considering how much tv I'm not watching.

37. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Soccer, rugby, jumping.

38. Who is your favorite character on "That 70's Show"?
never watched it.

39. Have you ever given someone a tattoo?
yup

40. Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
first time I streaked a plate... and got it back. that sounds really silly...

right, so, micro lab is a wonderful thing. spent two hours streaking, stab-inoculating deeps, and generally enjoying myself the other day.
as to the rest of it...
my organic professor is tall, blond, and from Scotland, this fact is very much evidenced by his accent, and tendency to say things like "shedule". It is wonderful. I think I'm in love.
I'm not in so far over my head in calc that I can't occasionally gasp like a pitifully suffocating fish, and spout a correct answer, now and then, thought the quiz on tuesday will tell me whether I'm truly screwed or not.
genetics looks to be my slacker class, if you can believe it... but I sit with a friend from micro lab, and we commiserate and roll our eyes together.
To give you a taste of the size of the hill between where I'm living and school, I'll tell you that it's a ten minute ride up there on my bike and maybe six minutes on the way down, and if I have breakpads left by the first frost, it will only be by the benevolent will of some physics-defying deity.
in any event. there is much going on, I'm exhausted, thinking of doing a pre-med kind of thing again, enjoying the 'holy shit what do I want to do with my life' issue because while zoning off in genetics the other day, I came to the stunning realization that if I'm asking that question at all it's because I have too many options, which means there are infinite possibilities, and I'm in just about the best place to pick any one, or maybe more than one, and try it out.
So, life on planet sarah is.... pretty sweet.

So this morningish I trotted off to get a haircut, and quite suddenly the world is a happier place. So strange. it really shouldn't matter that much.
anyway, sunshine on planet sarah due to lack of fuzz. it's nice and out of my eyes and off my mind, thus my brain works again. *grins*
and I found those pants in a drawer and all of a sudden I've been wondering what the hell kind of weird-ass charade this has been. anyway. times up, facade down. If I'm going to spend the forseeable future stressing over endless labs and homework, I damn well better be comfortable.
much to the chagrin of my mother. which I am enjoying... mwahahahahaha.
this is how it's supposed to be.

So I kinda suck... because I've managed to wait until the LAST POSSIBLE SECOND to update about kinda sorta importantness... there were reasons.
Anyway, you can all feel free to deck me with solid objects when I'm through.
I'm transferring, I know some of you knonw that...
I'm going to the University of Vermont, majoring in microbiology, starting on monday, august 28th. and I'm going to miss guilford people like nobody's business... except it kinda is your business...
Basically I got really sick of alot of guilford administrative bullshit, and wasn't really interested in being bored in science classes anymore. among other things.
Thus, I have remedied the problem of boredom by taking a schedule for next semester that I'm sure proves I'm a head-case... schedule as follows:
biology of microorganisms
genetics
organic chemistry
calculus 2
and somehow in amongst all of that I'll with Vermont's bloody cold winter that's going to make me cry for NC.
So yeah... that's it. moving into the apartment in burlington this saturday.
I'm excited, but I'm really going to miss the people at guilford..

the whole time, and I never noticed.
Well, not entirely true. I knew the first time I went outside and looked into the rose of sharon and tried to picture it the way it looked when you were still standing in the driveway. and I knew walking across the stream watching the light dodging down to the water around the leaves. But what I didn't realize is that I must have been lonely the whole time, remembering that afternoon. even healing after you left was about the wind on the bottoms of my feet barefoot in the grass at sunset.
How is it that I'm only noticing thses things now?
I might forget how much I miss you, but I can't stop remembering how damn beautiful it is out here.

since mandy poked at me to update...
my cat is being cute... and snuggling ferociously with the back of the computer. weirdo.
I will tell more later, I promise, and there is much to tell, but it can't be told... yet. how's that for a cliffhanger?
by the way, anyone who hasn't seen Pirates yet needs to swagger thenselves to the theater. It's all kinds wonderful... :D
as to being a social creature, it's not happening, which is really quite unacceptable.
*sigh*
I need to get going... eat lunch, dodge off to work, daydream through the afternoon, let my dreams wake me up at night. You bubbled out of my dream last night, by the way, and I personally find that disturbing. Did you know you can't kill? You'd rather evaporate. also, I surfed all the way to hawaii... or rather, jumped into a wave-portal type thing, and found myself on the north shore. which was its usual gorgeous self. and then I had a strange in-dream discussion about why I couldn't surf out there, becuase there has to be something under the surface to make the wave break. otherwise, it's just swell. just swell. hah.
anyway, ocean dreams demand a trip to the ocean, and erin and I are planning on cape cod perhaps, since she's leaving.
somehow two years in one place seems painfully long...
gotta get me an escape. maybe one of those nice cold black metal rails from last night, all on a background of blue, something you can just fade out into and be gone.
ohhh..... black rails. escapes... fires. jesus the world is round after all. Shit.
I wonder why that held no meaning for me other than what it was until a few days ago. and to think how long I had to make poetry... or SOMETHING out of it... and it comes slinking back all covered in dream-shadows. damn my head. so much for early warning. the signs were there all along... just in a different language.. How should I have known to look at the sun to know the earth followed suit?

Must be a horse then.

Right, so, the end of one VERY long week. lengthened further by chemistry, and by the fact that I haven't seen the sun SINCE I GOT HERE. (it's now been a week. It feels like it's been several years.) Which, if you hadn't already figured that out, makes me want to DIE.
But it's all okay. Becuase come july, -THERE WILL BE SUN- I'll be at my uncle's (second) wedding, dressed like jane. No, not jane from Mr. and Mrs. Smith, that would be convenient... and fun. No, I'll be dressed like howling, damsel-in-distress, swinging-through-the-trees jane. jane of tarzan and jane. At least that's what my mother thinks. I offered her the part of elephant or ape, and told her that since I'm jane, kristi would have to be tarzan, and I'd tell her not to shave so she'd look the part.
Erin has recently confirmed that I was *not* fashion-senseless in finding my "costume", and my mother is a crackhead. So much for jane and tarzan crashing the wedding. I thought it might be fun to arrive via jungle vine.
In other news, I'm still trying to figure out what the hell is going on with future plans, and they seem to get only increasingly muddled as I collect more information. Which is not encouraging, and rather makes me want to buy a one-way ticket to some tropical island (where there's ALWAYS sunshine) and find shelter under palm trees and live on coconuts. except I hate coconuts.
So screw that plan.
In other news, there isn't really any news, I miss my cats and kristi and the weather in NC, and I might get to see the most illusive spikey this weekend, and perhaps snuggle with erin and her cat. maybe. if the rain doesn't melt me first.
It's now past my bedtime, and since I've finished the book erin lent me, I'm running out of excuses to stay up.
good night...

Had my first day of summer class today, I can't tell you how much I don't have the energy for class right now.
I really need something that will keep my boat afloat to get through this (I feel like I was recently told something to this effect).
I'm not happy about class, and I seem to have made the guy sitting next to me (who, by the way, couldn't figure out how to use his calculator) visible uncomfortable... must be that northampton aura... as my professor says "Northampton is kind of a unique place..." *rolls eyes*
I can't believe I'm going to sit through that crap -and pay for it- through august.
need to see erin. don't really have any energy though. other than for plotting escapes from this place. my mother is entirely nuts by the way, not getting into it, but she's not helping the situation.
So, not happy, missing NC, specifically having a schedule and being with people I enjoy, especially waking up and falling asleep with kristi every night.
I don't understand why I let myself decide to come back up here. I knew it was a bad idea to begin with, I really needed to chill out a little over the summer, and I've effectively guaranteed myself that I won't be as energized going to school this fall, though I know I'm going to need it.
So, generally unhappy, debating buying a plane ticket.

flew in tonight. through a bit of a thunderstorm. kinda fun. talked to a woman on the plane who was coming from a public health conference in DC... where she'd heard Jimmy Carter speak. *JEALOUSY* she was cool, we talked books and biology-shop. was much fun.
It's weird to be back... feels like I don't belong here mostly because it's just not home anymore, and I feel like living here tries to force it back into some semblance of home... which it's really not going to be.
I miss Kristi (you're gonna be hearing alot of that, so swat me.) already (don't call me pathetic).

*sigh*
it's over. some good some bad, altogether better to end it on stats than calc (which was a disaster and made me feel more than slightly ill.. note to self: more than ten hours of math in one sitting is highly toxic...)
SO now that I'm halfway through this irritating undergraduate phase I think I'll go try to be useful.. by which I mean packing up my room.
oh and guys... the lab in bauman periodically shakes... I find this a little disturbing.
ALSO. my computer won't boot up (I think this is a sign. I should go be a hermit in a cave somewhere, devoid of technological influence) which is why I'm in the computer lab in the first place. *grrrr*
alright. sophomore year, over. two down, two to go... still seems excruciatingly long.
I'm going to read a BOOK. that I'M CHOOSING.
hahA!

So my phone... the new one... is doing the exact same thing the last one did before it died. Sprint sucks, people. Don't call my phone, it won't ring even though it's on, and it may tell me hours later that I've got a voice mail, but due to lack of service (it says it has plenty of service on the screen) it won't let me call my own voicemail. I am sooooo sick of this crap. Not to mention the fact that they're generally unpleasent in the store, so I'm really not looking forward to trotting back down there. BLAH.
on the upside... it's sunny again.
schedule:
today:
ethics final, 12:00-2:30
Finish philosophy midterm, turn in

monday:
cac test, to start any time before but no later than 3:00. will be there until I'm done.

tuuesday:
Statistics final 12:00-2:30 or whenever I'm done.


and that's it... I'm done when I walk out of Duke on tuesday.
which means i need to pack up my room... and probably move most of it this weekend because I don't wanna have to deal with it during the week.
I need to get my bike fixed... blah blah blah...

And I've been debating another piercing (needle cravings, it's weird) and besides.. the last one was so much fun... *devil horns* the problem is I'm running out of 'acceptable' pieces of skin, and ears bore me at this point, though someday I'd like an industrial. the other problem is that I don't want to have to spend the next two or three months avoiding cholrinated pools... since it's about to be summer in NC... and that promises to be toasty. suggestioions? erin? you're usually creative with this sort of thing...
(Right, and P.S. I don't have devil horn piercings, nor do I want any, I was just demonstrating my ...er... mischevious intentions?)

These patterns are too obvious to be any fun.
it's that time of year again, I'm looking at the leaves and the undecided sky, watching clouds storm in and hesitate; middleschoolers first sight, raised eyebrows and wondering. backing off to observe before the front shoves it all on top of the city and lightning rains across our landscape. thunder howls out to the mountains and bounces back to my ears- 'something is about to happen'. You know because you can feel it, as if your toes gripped the edge, the world teetering on the scant probabilities of electrical charge and grounding. Ground me. Catch my hand and hold our circle, Center. My world is on the edge. she's hovering millimeters above equilibrium, if stasis means ending, she'll drop like a stone through that semi-solid pond surface where metabolism stands still, pause for no longer than a breath would have taken, and careen onward to that thing I always felt in the electrical field flowing across my arms, that something that's going to happen. There's no sneaking up on chance with cat-stealth. There's only wild, running blind chasing of possibility. It's just that it's closer some moments than others.

There were ponies, sand, sun, hilarity, and chili and quesedillas. along with tents, dunes, waves and all manner of wonderful things.
there will be pictures (color after thursday when I send them off to get developed and black and white after I get my rear in the darkroom).
in short, the weekend was awesome. there was more good news *happy face*
and there was some hanging out with family, also good.
The problem is, life and the pursuit of happiness fell apart behind my back, and now I need to run around picking up the stupid pieces of my summer plans and hope that I can put them all back together in some semblance of usefulness. quickly. I am very grumpy with guilford at the moment. However, I'm mostly grumpy with me, and this week may just be hellish, so please excuse any strange behavior inclusive of (but certainly not limited to) antics with nerf/water guns, empty yet emphatic threats involving ball-points and large arteries, and heated one-side discussion about the merits of dropping out and being a professional bump-on-a-log.
right.
now to hunt down certain illusive and useless members of the red-tape capers. Otherwise known as the administration.